Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. Then they use your answer to decide if you're the sort of person who gets to join their clan and engage in merriment and shenanigans on a regular basis. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. Follow. Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. Every weekend! By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. 2. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. I get what are you doing this weekend? or just what are you doing? on a Saturday morning. I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. They also influence how OFTEN. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being.. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. Spot on, thank you. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Thanks, I woke up like this. Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? Am I Really? Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). Why? Great! (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. I usually just say Im doing laundry. For an acquaintance, depends. It follows the script they want, which is that the person they are targeting needs their approval of their reason for pleading off. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. What about you? I hear you. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. 17 Funniest Running Memes - Which One's Do You Relate To? - RunToTheFinish Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. Skip the part where you say Ill have to check my calendar or even Im not surejust go ahead and ask them what they have in mind! I like to piss her off so Im honest with her. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. She looks so comfortable. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. It took a LOOOOONNNNGGG time to train them out of, What are you doing this weekend? 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. I shall think on why. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. So yeah, I feel that part too. Reading, learning, documentaries, podcasts, etc. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. Weekend gone! People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. What are you doing Thursday? Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. Id also add that when youve lived in a place for years and are planning to stay, like I am in my husbands home country, it gets very tiring to have everyone assume youre just visiting or that youre an international student and will be gone soon. What are you doing this weekend? But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. 2. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. They know this. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. And take LWs at their word, maybe? As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. N- New adventure. If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. Why does it need taking care of?? Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? Speak to US respectfully. "I'm having a productive day.". That is my current standard response. I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. Tucker Carlson: Merrick Garland Is Persecuting Christians; Are You I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. etc. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. The fallout you talk about? You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. Well, here's that question again: do you know what you want to do with your life or are you still trying to figure it out? And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. 110 Weekend Quotes to Wish You a Restful Break - Quote Ambition Make up a lease and sign it. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. Im white. Nothing much? and Im like yup! Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. Is it OK to invite the usual people? If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Why? I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. Rock the anger, LW. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. It is trickery and so frustrating. Is this just aimless small-talk? And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. (You could also just say no and keep going, but that can cause conflict with them, which you might or might not want.) Its bugged me as an opener for a date until I found this phrasing. Gah, I still worry though, like Blueberry Pancaaakes said about her sister, what if she cancels plans she needed or would have enjoyed? Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. MY plans!) Life is good and I'm happy. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. He taught me that its always polite to leave someone a face-saving way out of a social situation, so if you want to ask someone to go do something, give them a certain date/time, so if they dont want to go they can say sorry I have other plans without anyone feeling awkward. Me? What works for you? Him: Good. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? Thats just the question it looks like. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Many of your comments in this thread have, in fact. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. Shampooing the grass. If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. #2 is a good point. For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. Thats not an uncommon experience. Reply with 'Hey' Back. Good, I just saw the cutest squirrel.. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Theres just no way, you see, that this is what a womans mind does, what she is for. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. How should I respond? Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. "Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! It is one of my pet peeves. 3. It feels invasive what I do on my weekends is my business. My current boss is a total jerk. 20 Funny Out-of-Office Messages to Inspire Your Own [+ Templates] - HubSpot And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Im right there with you. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. Try to be kind and positive in your response. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. Hidden Siri Commands and Unusual Responses | TechSpot Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. My Kid: No (shuts door) Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. 2. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. This suitable during the Halloween period. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. What is your favourite clip? If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. The. It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. I find myself physically unable of disturbing her. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. I was going to say, my experience with We should hang out some time! and the like are that theyre more of a social gesture. 3. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. Oh yes, this! Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Because shes a family member. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! I clean up nice, don't I. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Its just a formulaic greeting. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. Texting or sending an email to someone. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. What about you?. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. 76 Best Replies and Answers to How Are You Doing? - Trending Us )/co-workers, who usually uses the So what are you doing this weekend? as an opener to telling me all the awesome stuff theyve planned for themself for the weekend. Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. And Im totally ok with that. You: Yeah, we should. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. And they come up organicallyI dont invent them just to make her jump through hoops. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. I BET YOU WILL LAUGH - Funny videos - YouTube

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